Why do people stay in relationships that are damaging to them? Why do they defend people who manipulate, control or exploit them?
For those outside the relationship, it is often incomprehensible. There is often a psychological phenomenon behind this behaviour, however: Trauma Bonding.
What actually is “Trauma Bonding”?
The term Trauma Bonding is used to describe an unhealthy emotional connection between a victim of trauma and the perpetrator of that trauma.
It can occur in very different situations: in romantic partnerships, in human trafficking, for example, within families, or in cases of sexual exploitation. It is usually typified by a marked power imbalance between perpetrator and victim.
This bonding doesn’t normally emerge suddenly; rather, it evolves in a recurring cycle. According to Psychology Today, relationships defined by trauma bonding tend to go through a total of seven stages:
1. Love Bombing
To begin with – or in the immediate aftermath of an argument or escalation – the perpetrator shows the victim intense attention, paying them compliments or making huge promises. The victim feels seen, understood and special as a result.
2. Development of Trust
The perpetrator gradually begins to test the dependency and trust of the victim by testing out the limits of the relationship. If the victim doesn`t do everything asked of them, feelings of guilt are produced.
3. Criticism & Devaluation
This is now followed by criticism, devaluation and small, hurtful comments. This will often happen suddenly, during an argument, for example. The victim will often say sorry for things that are not actually their fault, and doubt themselves.
4. Manipulation
Perpetrators go on to justify their behaviour using manipulative tactics. If the victim defends themselves, gaslighting can occur, as the victim begins to question their own perception, reality or identity. This often leads to a situation whereby the victim believes it is normal to be treated this way, or reacts aggressively themselves.
5. Resignation & Helplessness
Many of those affected now try to avoid conflicts at any price. They will adapt and submit to the perpetrator`s demands, and defer their own needs in an attempt to achieve at least some peace.
This behaviour is also described as a “Fawn Response” – a submissive reaction to trauma. Behind this lies the hope that, by adjusting in this way, they will produce stability or security again.
6. Stress & Loss of Own Identity
The abusive relationship creates huge psychological stress. Many victims feel emotionally numb, and no longer know themselves who they are. They will often withdraw at this stage, and can even develop suicidal thoughts.
7. Repetition of Cycle
Traumatic bonding is cyclical: After an abuse, the perpetrator goes back to Stage 1 – Love Bombing – and the cycle is repeated. The victim sometimes tries to conceal the abuses, or to act as if everything is normal, until the next incident happens.
The perpetrator continually interrupts the recurring abuses with friendly gestures, attention or loving words.
Because these moments cannot be foreseen, their effect is particularly intense. The switching between violence and closeness strengthens the emotional bonding. The victim tries desperately to placate the perpetrator in an attempt to achieve the next stage of attention again.
Typical behavioural models of perpetrators
In traumatic relationships, perpetrators frequently show repetitive behavioural models targeted at maintaining control, power and emotional dependency. These include, amongst others:
- Control, force and manipulation, using tactics such as gaslighting or guilt reversal
- Restriction of autonomy and targeted isolation from friends, family or offers of support
- Sham affection or expressions of love, often after hurtful situations
- Targeted showing of own emotional vulnerability in order to produce sympathy, a feeling of responsibility or bonding
- Demanding adjustment or submission, often portrayed as a “necessity” or “evidence of love”
- Systematic fomentation of self-doubt, so the victim no longer trusts in their own perception
- Conscious maintenance of conflicts to strengthen tension, dependency and control
- Threats, intimidation or aggressive outbursts to produce fear
- Exploitation of personal weaknesses such as past traumas, financial need or emotional needs
Important: Not every perpetrator shows all these types of behaviour. Even if only individual points apply, an abusive or exploitative dynamic could already exist.
Where to find help in Austria…
If you are currently, or used to be, in a toxic, violent or exploitative relationship, there are a range of free, anonymous and confidential ways to access care in Austria.
You don`t need to be sure how you should put it into context – it`s enough for something just not to feel right for you.
- Women`s helpline against violence: 0800 222 555
Austria-wide telephone-based advice for those affected by familial violence or violence within relationships. Reachable around the clock, free, anonymous, multilingual, 365 days a year. - Men`s Helpline Austria: 0800 246 247
Advice for men in difficult life situations. Examples include those with relationship problems, experience of violence, under an access ban, psychological problems or suicidal thoughts. Reachable around the clock, free of charge, anonymous and confidential. - Crisis Line: 142
Reachable 24/7, anonymous – including in the case of acute mental stress or suicidal thoughts. - Caritas/Diakonie/Violence Protection Centres
Regional advice centres with personal support, crisis intervention and help making the next step.
In case of acute violence: Please do not hesitate to call the Police Emergency Number 133. Accepting help is not a sign of weakness.
Translated by Tim Lywood
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